real space.

Welcome back readers, if there are any left.  Yes it’s true I haven’t written in my blog since December, thank you for reminding me of that.  I’m not very good at this whole consistency thing.  It’s May…

I’ve been a little busy over the last few months.  If we’re Facebook friends or just friends in general (yes, there’s a difference) you have probably heard by now that I’m growing a human inside of me.  Yes, I’m pregnant!  And due in late October.  I found out in February and since then, my brain has been a little too occupied with the fact I’m going to be raising a child soon that I simply never sat down to write.

I’m going to be raising a child soon.  Did I just mention that?  A child.  A HUMAN.  Entrusted.  To me.  Where. Did. Life. Go?

Now that it’s out of the bag, I hope I can be more consistent in writing about my adventures of being pregnant and soon to be mom.  It’s already been quite an adventure for me, and mine and Adam’s lives are about to change forever.  Excited, nervous, overjoyed, feelings of inadequacy – just to name a few feelings I have consistently throughout my days.  It’s fun having so many different emotions on a daily basis… Nope, no it’s not. 

Life has already been different for me.  Things have already changed.  It’s true a woman may not exactly be a “mom” yet when she’s pregnant, but she sure does start sacrificing for her child well before it enters this world.

Funny, that reminds me of a Father I know…

As a Christian, I understand intellectually that God loves me.  I do.  But my issues over the years were feeling that in my heart.  Truly understanding the sacrifice God made for me to save my life in sacrificing His son.  I never “got it.”  I don’t have a child of my own, so how can I ever understand sacrificing one?

You know, God knows what he’s doing when it comes to the miracle of life.  It’s pretty amazing.  In just a few short months of being pregnant, I already cannot IMAGINE sacrificing this baby inside me.  I cannot tell you how much I am already in love.  I already wrote a lullaby I want to sing to him/her every night for crying out loud.

The very week we told our family and friends the exciting news, I had a scare that brought me to my knees, convinced I had lost the baby I just so joyously celebrated.  I’ve honestly never cried harder in my life.  And as I begged God to let nothing be wrong with this child, this feeling came over me that only God can give… as if He was asking, “Do you understand now?”

I do, Lord.  I do.  I’m a wreck at the possibility of losing a child I haven’t even met.  You sacrificed the one child you knew for all those who didn’t know YOU.  I am forever grateful.

Now if you could just do this one thing…

After an entire day at the doctor’s office, I came out of it exhausted, fragile, but thankful.  I heard my child’s heartbeat.  The baby was safe.  I on the other hand was told it was time to start sacrificing.  I had Placenta Praevia – a fancy term for saying my placenta was in the wrong place.  No more activity.  No exercise.  No going up and down stairs.  No lifting.  No traveling.  It’s pretty common and my doctor’s confident as my belly grows, it will move to its rightful place.  But if it decides not to move as I get late into the pregnancy, I will have to get quite comfortable with my bed, because that’s where I’ll be for the remainder.  If I do too much right now, miscarriage is the danger.  And if I do too much late in the pregnancy, hemorrhaging is the danger.  Um, yes, time to shut it down.

Sacrifice.  Really God?  Already?

I almost picture God snickering a bit.  Welcome to motherhood, Kar.  See you on the other side…

Thanks God.  You’re sweet!

So there’s already been change in my life.  Nothing will ever be the same.  I’m usually one to struggle immensely with anxiety, but for some strange reason, I haven’t.  I have been at peace in many ways.  Even as I’ve been discouraged not being able to do too much for myself lately, I’m learning more and more there is nothing better than sacrificing for something you love.  It is not and will never be on the level of what God did for us.  This is almost a silly example compared to that.  My goodness, though, I get it.  He loves us THAT much.  Sacrificial love is the highest kind of love.  And being pregnant has brought me closer to God.  In ways I never thought I’d be.

I guess it’s part of the miracle.  It’s part of becoming a mother.  A parent.  God allows us a small glimpse on this earth of what His love is like for us.  It’ll never compare, but a glimpse is all that’s needed to make us want more.

I want more.

I cannot and will not love this child more than God will…

But that won’t stop me from trying.